I Wish I Could Tell You This in Person

To the dearest smart ass who once changed my life.

It has been a couple of months, right? Not long enough to call you my long lost one, though. I wonder if I ever appear to your mind as often as you do to mine late at night. However I can make sure you don't think of me, or perhaps never.

I saw you liking some post about love the other day. It read, "Thank you for reminding me how it feels like to fall in love again." Guess what? My heart still ached. I hate knowing the fact that you have got someone new, someone that makes you happy, someone that.. replaces me. I thought I was irreplaceable to you, well I guess I was wrong.



I really want to know who she is that floods your mind with her fascinating figure. There are a lot of questions I'm dying to ask you, though I let them unanswered. I'm not ready to know the answers, and I'm not sure you want to answer them too anyway. It's such a relief knowing that you don't block me, remembering how many times you did block me just because of the little things we argued when we were still close. You always came back to unblock me and said "I can't stand mad at you, I don't know why." Oh boy, you should know how much I miss to hear you saying those things to me.

Do you still remember the nickname you gave to me? You always called me the weird-shorty-know it all-special girl. You didn't want to get caught that you had feelings for me, so to cover it up you told me by "special", you meant autistic. It was just because I lost the argument with you about Hitler, the Holocaust, and the Jew things. I was never fond of history but you were always the smartest at everything. See? I remember all the things like it was yesterday.

I wouldn't mind when you said to your friends that I was only your morning period and late night party. To be honest, it hurt, but maybe that was the least thing I could be. I would rather be your morning period and late night party than to be abandoned not knowing whether I still matter to you or not.

What shocked me even more is, the text you sent after leaving me abandoned for a long time. "Let's just be friends," you said. What were we before, dude? Weren't we just friends? There was never a status between us. We just hid behind the title of being "friends" but in fact, deep down we both knew we wanted to be more than that but we couldn't. However it's all good. Two people who are in love with each other aren't always meant to be together, right?

I'm writing this as the cause of missing you a bit more. I have promised myself many times that it's going to be the last time I'm missing you, but it always fails. No, I don't expect you to come back. I've learnt that expectation is the root of all heartache. You have moved on, I should have done that too.

I've spent far too much time, wasting far too many pages, immortalizing you in my poetry. If this is going nowhere, let me write you one last memoir.

So I guess it ends here, and let's just see where this feeling takes me.
I'll see you when I see you.

Sincerely,
Your used to be-weird-shorty-know it all-special girl.